(Any cartoon voice of your choosing, or make one up) now that i am finally getting over the emotional train wreck of the playoffs, topping it all off with that ridiculous holding call against Philly in the superbowl, while the Queefs’ O-line can just hold all day motherfucking long with impunity i guess! (Ok, i guess I’m not quite over it yet…) anyway, I don’t think free agency is going to be much fun this year — in fact i have a feeling it’s gonna suck pretty bad — so really the draft is the only game in town right now, so that’s where I’m putting my psychic energy. I heard you all say you wanted a franchise tight end in the first round, which I totally agree with, i want kincaid because he seems like more of a downfield threat than mayer, and if neither of those guys are there then i think we should probably trade down and get more picks. So here’s my question: what are all your positional hopes for each of the first 3 rounds, assuming that position is the best player available? (And if you have a particular player in mind feel free to name him) And then what positions do you all want the most for depth on day 3? oh, and about those chargers dodgeball teams: whoever has keenan wins because he will catch anything herbert throws! as always, fuck the pirate hookers over an overflowing Tijuana donkey-show-bar toilet seat! And just watch, come draft day they’ll completely blow their top 10 draft pick! k luv u bye

(Ahnold voice) AAUUGH!! Holy Mother of God that was the worst shit-show I’ve seen since Batman and Robin! what happened to 4th and Staley?! Are we back to the Prevent-Defense and run-run-pass-punt days of Anthony Lynn?! HOW DO YOU LOSE A PLAYOFF GAME AFTER BEING AHEAD 27-0?! The coach I’ve been supporting for two seasons is the kind of aggressive psychopath who would rip out your spine and wave it over his HEAD!! AAAUUGHH!! So where the hell was THAT guy in Duval County?! And what the actual fuck was Lombardi doing calling a jet sweep to Michael Bandy on 3rd and inches, up 27 with two minutes left in the first half?! I don’t know if they are going to say “hasta la vista, baby” to the head coach after that epic collapse, but i think Staley’s work-wife Lombardi DEFINITELY needs to be terminated! He is the absolute worst person to be in charge of Herbert's development! And so we should throw him off the plane in Jacksonville and say “hey Lombardi, consider that a DIVORCE!!” AAAUUGHH!! . i don't know exactly who else is available to replace him, but do you know who among our coaches did a great job this year? Ryan Fuckin Fickin!! I did some googling and it turns out he coached offensive line, wide receivers and running backs in his career. Why not make THAT guy our OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR?! AAAUUUGHHH!!! at least we're not as fucked as the Raiders! Now let's go draft a speedy receiver and a swing tackle! k luv u bye

(Valley girl voice) So like, oh my god! It’s like totally bitchen that we won the game an’ stuff, and are, like, in the playoffs and everything, but, like, what is going on with the offensive line? i watched the most awesome quarterback on the planet, like, totally struggling to make plays from inside the pocket or whatever for most of the game, and i was like, gag me with a smurf! i mean don’t get me wrong or anything, i love the way our defense, like, dominated fer sure! And the offense made plays when they, like, needed to — Ekeler was super bitchen near the goal line, and that one flea-flicker to Keenan was totally awesome, but didn’t we, like, just figure out that having Zeustin Herbert, like, roll out of the pocket was the best way to, like, kick ass and throw touchdowns or whatever? And, like, now we don’t even really do that as much and it’s totally bumming me out. Like, that one game where defensive linemen or whatever were trying to, like, tackle Herbert and then he was all like “PSYCH!!” and ran outside the pocket and they all totally whiffed?!! That was so awesome!! I mean, like, take a chill pill Lombardi, I feel like your offensive scheme is like totally bogus! So like, what do you awesome dudes think, should we totally just, like, bag those pocket passes and totally do some more tubular roll outs? Is that, like, the last piece of the puzzle to get our team, like, totally kicking ass?! Ok, well, like, fuck the Raiders and whatever. K luv you bye.

Just a quick-hitter regarding a nickname for JH: [the “in a world” movie-voiceover voice] When the dolphins invaded he decimated them until there was nothing left of their species but 25% of canned tuna! When the Pirate hookers came to town he bitch-slapped them until they all ran to find new pimps! His Arm will rain lightning upon those who dare oppose him! His muscles will scare 300-pound defensive linemen into throwing away the football in sheer terror! His hair will hypnotize all who behold it! The Herbocalypse! (Coming to a stadium near you this holiday season to destroy everything and everyone!) PS i do believe the Titans, in greek mythology, were the victims of such an apocalyptic event at the hands of Zeus… THE GOD OF LIGHTNING!! FTR, k luv u bye

(Al Pacino voice) Great fucking win to get the tie-breaker with a wildcard rival team! And we’re totally making the playoffs if we keep winning because over the next 4 weeks the Jets, Dolphins and Patriots are all gonna circle-jerk each other into oblivion! I just have to say that Tua looked like absolute garbage today, maybe he still has double vision from all those concussions because I don’t know who the fuck he was throwing to most of the time! While Herbert played what might have been the best game of his career. So great to have Mike and Keenan on the field at the same time! It made all the difference, especially on 3rd down. And how about the amazing job our banged up defense did?! I don’t know if JC Jackson is ever going to play football again but if he does i think we might have a real cornerback controversy with the way Vato is playing! He straight up locked down Tyreek Hill. He ran stride for stride with him the entire game, including the touchdown pass when their feet got tangled — he was right there and would have intercepted that pass. The whole defensive backfield was amazing! And how about the job Fehoko did clogging up the running lanes? This was about the biggest example of “next man up” i have ever seen from a team so battered with injuries. With Bosa (and hopefully Derwin) coming back for the Titans this week we might finally have the defense we’ve been waiting for, to go along with our offensive weapons! This is definitely the most optimistic I’ve been since week one. Oh yeah, and Fuck The Raiders, who are now completely irrelevant, and the Donkeys have the 2nd worst record in football and have to give their first round pick to Seattle! Boltfam… LET’S RIDE!!!

(Let’s do… Michael Caine voice!) I’m wondering what you all thought about Foster Sarrell’s play at right tackle? I’m not sure why they replaced Trey Pipkins in the 4th quarter, if his knee gave out or if it was something else, but Sarrel did a really good job at right tackle. There was just the one play where his man ran free, the play where Isaiah Simmons shot right up the A gap untouched and sacked Herbert, but that looked more like Zion missed his assignment and Sarrell just got confused by Zion’s mistake and took a half-step inside before whiffing on the outside guy. I think that instinct inside was probably the right one. Anyway, i feel like Pipkins was struggling, and maybe it’s his knee, but based on Trey’s performance lately I think Sarrell deserves a start if his knee isn’t 100% this week (Family. Trust. Respect). And at the very least we may have found a decent swing tackle to replace Storm Norton. Fuck the Raiders, it doesn’t matter if they won last Sunday, they’re not making the playoffs so they’re just getting a shittier draft position! k luv u bye

So, i was thinking about whether it was time to start rooting FOR the raiders to win games, to lower their draft position, but then I remembered that it literally doesn’t matter where they draft, in the first round they’re just going to reach for a a day 2 talent anyway. Also, in the spirit of trying to stay positive on our season, do you guys realize, amidst the ugliness that is our offense and defense this year, that our special teams are killing it? We’ve made 16 straight field goals, with 3 different kickers, we’ve allowed just 36 total yards on punt returns, which is 2nd in the league, and we’re 5th in kickoff return yardage allowed. Not to mention a forced muffed punt turnover and a blocked kick. And i just read that keenan and Mike W are practicing this week. Idk what we’re going to do about right tackle and the D-line, but if we could get those guys back we might have a shot against the Kweefs this week. As always, Fuck The Raiders K, luv u bye

(Christopher Walken voice) Wow! My sphincter can officially unclench! That 4th quarter was bananas. After the last 4 wins this season I’d like to officially nominate a new definition of the verb to “Charger“ (previously meaning to lose a game in some kind of batshit crazy way, like fumbling a kneel-down or head-butting someone after a great defensive stop in the playoffs). From now on “Chargering” means to FAKE a horrible game-losing play, only to WIN anyway, thus mind-fucking an entire fanbase while simultaneously checking the charge status of defibrillators all across the Southland! Am I right? Seriously guys, you know that in any other year it would either be Younghoe Koo missing field goals for us or NOT missing them against us, but not today! A big Shout-out to Herbo and Palmer for stepping up with the game on the line! Great goddamn win!! And, as today’s other events also demonstrated, God really does take every opportunity to Fuck The Raiders!! k luv u bye

(Christopher Walken voice) Bolt Fam… LET’S RIDE!! I’m super pumped to be winning these close games, but for the third time in 3 weeks we’ve got people whining about the ugliness of a win. A FUCKING WIN!! And it was pretty much our special teams for once that got us that win, and I can’t remember the last time i was able to say that! Why are there so many haters and whiners out there? How do you not appreciate Ja’sir Taylor’s awareness to shove a guy INTO the punt returner to force that muffed punt?! And Hopkins making 4 field goals with his leg basically hanging by half a ligament and some gristle— my eyes actually teared up! And those booming punts by JK Scott to get us out of the shadow of our end zone in overtime — how huge was that?! And hey, so maybe the passing game didn’t get any TD’s or long passes, but we drew a ton of PI calls and we were able to move the ball — against a great defense — enough to win the game. And in the end that’s what matters… WE WON!! Crack a beer people, we’re 4-2 and in FIRST PLACE!!! And even better — the Raiders are LAST!! Those goddamn pirate hookers can’t pay their pimp if they keep fucking themselves!! K, luv you, bye

(Matthew McConaughey voice) Alright alright alright, it sure is nice to get a W. It’s a lot more fun to win a game you should lose than lose a game you should win, man. There’s a lot of people talkin’ a lot of shit about Coach Staley right now, but I’ll tell you what, it’d be a lot cooler if we all had some of whatever he was smokin’ on that 4th down call, man! Maybe that’s not what anybody else would do in that situation, but you just gotta let Staley be Staley, kick back, and enjoy the ride. Let me tell you this, the older you get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N. Fuck the Raiders, man. I love those redheads!

(Darth Vader voice) If the quarters of that Texans game were all named after Star Wars movies they would be: The Rise of Salyer, The Return of the Mack, The Bandy Awakens, and The Ekeler Strikes Back. Even Sith Lord Jerry Tillery looked good! Michael Bandy seemed to provide a Keenan-esque dimension to our passing game, while Linsley’s renewed presence at center and Salyer looking like an OROY candidate at left tackle made the O-line‘s performance more than serviceable. That is pretty far removed from the mess it seemed to be in just a few days ago. Perhaps my lack of faith is disturbing, but i am wondering if you all think our team depth is starting to live up to our preseason expectations, or am I just overreacting to a win against a shitty Texans team that we almost managed to blow again in the 2nd half? Fuck those pirate hookers with a lightsaber in the dark side, and their bitch-ass quarterback too K luv you, bye

(Rocky Balboa voice) hey, yo, how y’all doin’ Bolt Fam? so like, that O-line didn’t look so hot in the second half of that Kweefs game the other day, y’know? like, even Feiler looked like he was chasin’, like, one o’ them chickens around or somethin’ tryin’ to block Chris Jones, y’know what i’m sayin’? So like, i was wonderin’ what you all thought about, like, maybe gettin’ that Jamaree Salyer kid some reps at center if Linsley can’t play this week? CUT ME MICK!! Oh hey, yo I’m sorry, I’m gettin’ maybe a little punchy in my old age or somethin’. So like, where was i? Oh, yeah, y’know, i don’t wanna take up too much of your time or anything but if i could just say one more thing I’d appreciate it… so like, yo, fuck them raiders k luv u bye

(Ahnold voice) Holy mother of god, how fucking AWESOME was that?! I need a super intelligent computer brain from the future to calculate how many sacks and interceptions and forced fumbles we got today!! Mack and Bosa were absolute MACHINES!! we need to start a Gofundme to buy Derek Carr some new mascara after all the crying our defense made him do!! And we did all that WITHOUT J.C. Jackson, just imagine how good this defense is going to be when THAT DUDE comes back! OMG I AM SO DAMN BOLTED UP I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE KWEEFS GAME ON THURSDAY!!! i would say FUCK THE RAIDERS… BUT WE LITERALLY JUST DID!!!!!! K LUV U BYE!!!!

(Sean Connery voice if it‘s in your bag, or Pacino) watching Pipkins play this preseason may not have been pretty, but i can see definite improvement. at least the quarter back wasn’t getting pounded into the turf, and that’s all we should hope for from him. I know it was a small sample size of snaps but my question is this: if Pipkins can just be an NFL average starting player this year, and if Zion plays as expected, how would you rank our offensive line against the other elite O-lines in the league? Would we be #1? fuck those pirate hookers on their bedbug-infested hourly-rate hotel room mattress without the courtesy of a reach-around k luv you bye

(Bobcat goldthwaite voice, if possible) Holy shit did you guys see the video of those goddamn pirate hookers all trying to squeeze into an Uber?! What was that thing, a Soviet-era Yugo?! What was the problem with the app, do you think the electricity is still turned off at their offices and Hunter Renfrow couldn’t charge his phone?! Do you think he couldn’t afford an Uber Black because the accountant is paying their players in wampum beads?!! I WANT ANSWERS!!! FTR OVER A DIRTY TOILET SEAT!!! K LUV YA BYE!!!!