Read like a eulogy:
Good afternoon bolt fam members and all affiliated. We are gathered here today to celebrate a wonderful win, as well as a terrible loss. Here lies all 3,748 charger fans who all died of heart attacks during the game. Some passed following the helmet interception, but most during the ekeler fumble. Be it known that all these charger fans will be remembered as those who truly were.... ride...or die. Some of the following loved ones have given me what were the final words of just a few members of this beloved fanbase.
Michael Ravis said "I swear to god this run defense will be the end of me."
Well you can swear to god in person now Michael. This defense let you down.
Jacob Palms last words were "hey babe I just bet a sketchy mob boss $50,000 or my life that the chargers won't drop more than 4 passes. Easy money right!"
I'm told Jacob's casket will be a closed one.
Keith Ban Hoy was last heard saying "thank God we got the ball back to win it with 4 minutes left. My poor heart cant take another crazy turn of events."
I'm so sorry Keith, I'm sure if you were surrounded by any sensible chargers fans they'd have you to leave the room immediately.
Before we wrap up i have aquestion for the charger chat council. How cool was it seeing the brisket broads on TV following that 2nd ekeler touchdown? I've heard so much about that I was beginning to believe they were only a myth.
Thank you all for paying your respects to this fanbase that loses lives by the thousands on a weekly basis. And for all of us still here, bolt gang or do not bang, fuck the raiders, godspeed my friends. Godspeed...